Featured: The World is Not in Your Books and Maps Chapter I
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Fanfiction featuring one or more gender-swapped characters.
If You Will Marry Me
Thorin was, admittedly, a gifted metal smith. He could wield and manipulate gold into the finest of jewelry. He had keen eyes, and could find the most glittering sapphires or rubies. And, he knew just how to fasten them into the crowns, necklaces, and bracelets that he constructed. His attention to detail was one that rivaled his father, a famed smith in his own right. It was a trait of the royal family to be particularly gifted in beadwork and jewelry making. It showed their heritage, their good breeding.
Or, at least, his mother had often told him this.
Thorin loved to please his mother. Loved her praise.
But mostly, he came to find, he loved the solitude, the ability to focus on something so completely and shut out the rest of the world. It was a great relief for him.
And his mother only encouraged his fascination with creation and working with gold and mithril and fine gems.
“It’s a grand escape,” She’d often murmur in his ear with a smile and a wink.
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XXV
Chapter XXV: I See Fire
A/N: The chapter title refers to the song of the same title by Ed Sheeran. Picture is of my fancast of Dís, Jennifer Connelly.
Dís heard shouts from the people of Laketown. Tauriel, the Dwarves, and the children all looked around in fear. Óin was the only one besides Dís to know what was happening. Dís ran outside, but could see nothing. She climbed onto the roof and noticed water began to flood the town.
Fire came from the gates of Erebor. The dragon had come.
“Oh, Thorin,” Dís said quietly as tears began to fall from her eyes, “Why did you promise us we would come home? I just wanted… not like this.”
Erebor, 171 Years Earlier
Dís sat before the fireplace on the floor while her mother sat in a chair to have a better angle to braid Dís’ hair. Frerin sat at the desk in the sitting room finishing up the last bit of his translations into Common Tongue be
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XXIV
Chapter XXIV: Taking Back What Was Stolen
A/N: Picture is Angel Coulby as Bramble Baggins.
Trigger Warning: Non-sexual violence against a woman and general sadism.
The Hobbit kept running until she heard Smaug speak again as she was half-way down the Gallery of the Kings. “And here I thought you said you would not steal from me.”
Bramble drew Sting as she spun around. “None of this is yours. I was hired by the rightful owner.”
Smaug walked closer while the burglar stood her ground. “Ah yes, those filthy Dwarves, barrel-rider. This is some sort of scheme hatched between them and those miserable cup-trading Lakemen. Those sniveling cowards with their longbows and Black Arrows!” He was almost to Bramble. She raised her sword, ready to strike. “Perhaps it is time I paid them a visit.”
“This isn’t their fault! You cannot go to Laketown!” Bramble said.
Smaug took another step. Bramble slashed at his neck. He gra
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XXIII
Chapter XXIII: Circus for a Psycho
A/N: The chapter title comes from the song of the same name by Skillet. Picture is of my fancast of Bombur, Melissa McCarthy.
Thorin led them to the forges. Balin turned to a side tunnel. “It’s this way! Come on!”
Bramble went towards Balin, stopping when she realized Thorin did not follow her. They both saw Smaug turn into the hall.
“Follow Balin!” Thorin said.
Bramble walked backwards towards Balin, trying to plead with Thorin. Balin yanked the Hobbit into the tunnel just as Smaug unleashed his fiery breath on them.
Thorin ran, dropping his sword along the way. He jumped into a deep pit, catching onto a chain with a bucket on the end of it. His weight caused him to descend.
Smaug followed behind him, using his claws to cling to the walls as he followed the Dwarf. The dragon kept snapping at the chain which held Thorin.
The Dwarf king could hear Dwalin shout something just before Thorin rapidly began ascen
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XXII
Chapter XXII: Then We Will All Burn Together
A/N: Picture is of my fancast of Dori, Helen Mirren.
The King Under the Mountain had forgotten how beautiful gold was. He felt its call and he wanted to protect it. Thorin vaguely remembered he should kill Smaug for reasons besides for stealing the treasure, but it seemed unimportant now.
Using a grenade launcher was a brilliant idea by… someone. Who was it? Thorin decided it did not matter. Smaug actually did take some damage to his wing at the edges. It might mess with his flight pattern and slow the worm down.
As Thorin quickly packed the grenade launcher, he saw something move out of the corner of his eye. He drew his gun. The burglar ran towards him.
Right. The burglar. The burglar had awoken the dragon. It was why Thorin had come in.
“You’re alive,” Thorin said.
“Not for much longer! I ticked off a dragon. Hurry!” the burglar said.
“Did you find the Arkenstone?” Thorin aske
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XXI
Chapter XXI: The Dragon’s Captive
Trigger Warning: Non-sexual violence against a woman and general sadism.
Bramble jumped away from the man and hid behind a pillar. She slipped on the ring, hoping it would give her some cover.
“Um, hello?” the man said groggily.
The coins shifted as the man moved. “Um, yes, I know you’re there. Please show yourself. The dragon is not here. I can hear you moving around. Where are you?”
The red-headed man stood before Bramble. She averted her eyes as she realized the man was naked and it was not something she wanted to see.
“I feel your air,” the man said, “Come now, don’t be shy. Step into the light. Please, don’t leave me alone.” The man waved his hand towards Bramble’s distortion.
Not wanting to be grabbed in any place unsavory, Bramble took off the ring.
The man raised an eyebrow. “There you are thief in the shadows.”
“I didn’t come to
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XX
Chapter XX: Starlight
Bard took Bain with her to set the Black Arrow in the wind lance. Sigrid had trained in First-Aid so remained to help Óin along with the young Tilda. In less than a half-hour, Bain was back with the Black Arrow and without Bard.
“The Master has Ma!” Bain said.
Dís nodded. “The three of you, pack a change of clothes and any photos your Mother loves. Take only one bag of things you cannot replace. Sigrid, you are going to be taking your siblings and my children and driving as far from here as you can.”
“Amad! We’re not leaving you!” Fíli said.
“We need to use the Black Arrow. Fíli, I am trusting you to protect your brother and these children. Do you understand me?” Dís said.
“Yes, ma’am,” Fíli said.
There was a noise outside. Dís grabbed a kitchen knife. The door swung open as it had been unlocked from Bain’s quick entrance. An Orc burst th
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XIX
Chapter XIX: Waiting for the World to Fall
A/N: The chapter title comes from the song of the same name by Jars of Clay from Music Inspired by The Chronicles of Narnia. Picture is of my fancast of Tauriel, Nicole Beharie.
Tauriel could not remember the last time they had taken an Orc alive. For some reason, Thranduil wanted to interrogate this disgusting creature, even in the heart of his kingdom in the throne room. Tauriel stood back, her hands ready to whip out her long knives at the slightest hint of antagonism while Legolas had his own knife at the Orc’s throat. Thranduil paced as he spoke with the mutant.
Thranduil said, “Such is the nature of evil. Out there in the vast ignorance of the world it festers and spreads, a shadow grows in the dark. A sleepless malice as black as the oncoming wall of night. So it ever was; so will it always be. In time, all foul things come forth.”
“You tracked a company of fourteen Dwarves. Why?” Lego
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XVIII
Chapter XVIII: The Last Light
A/N: Picture is of Catherine Tate as my fancast of Glóin.
Thorin stabbed his sword into the ground. He was lost. AGAIN! He remembered his Mother saying once, “Thorin, you get lost trying to find your room when you’re standing outside it. How in the world do you expect to travel?”
Well, Thorin somehow made his way in the world. Admittedly, it was mostly by accident, but he still took it as a win.
The only reason they had even made it this far up the mountain was because Balin and Bramble kept giving quiet hints to Thorin. He appreciated the way they did it so it did not make him look weak or at least not look like a complete idiot.
“Anything?” Thorin asked.
“Nothing!” Dwalin said.
“If the map is true, the hidden door lies directly above us,” Thorin said.
Bramble had wandered off on her own. She whistled at the rest of the Company. “Up here!”
The group ran up to her and saw
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XVII
Chapter XVII: Die Trying
A/N: The title of the chapter comes from the song of the same name by Art of Dying. The picture is my fancast of Fili, Natalie Portman.
Dís had come to the conclusion Thorin was hopelessly in love with the Hobbit and Bramble was completely oblivious to it. It tore at Dís she could do nothing to help her brother, but Dís would never force someone to love another, even for Thorin’s happiness. Admittedly, she had been suspicious of it since Thorin agreed not to pay for the food they ate in Bag-End. Thorin was always concerned about debts. To not pay their host and potential burglar? Dís knew from that moment on Bramble would be special in Thorin’s life.
Said Hobbit currently looked at the pile of armor and cloaks provided by Laketown for the Company’s procession to the mountain. “Why are we getting these… cloaks?” Bramble said.
“It makes us look more regal,” Dori said.
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XVI
Chapter XVI: Raise a Glass of Wine for the Last Time
A/N: The title of the chapter comes from the lyrics of “I See Fire” by Ed Sheeran. Picture is of my fancast of Ori, Louise Brealey.
Bofur fanned the passed-out Bramble with his hat as Thorin yelled at Dis. “MY BURGLAR IS NOT A DRAGON SLAYER!”
Nori and Bifur exchanged IOU’s (since everyone gave their money to pay Bard).
“Keep your voice down. They might hear you,” Dís said.
“THEY DON’T SPEAK KHUZDUL YOU LYING SON OF A…”
“YOU’LL INSULT YOURSELF IF YOU DO THAT!” Dís said as she began yelling back.
“I think my hearing aids are going to burst,” Óin said as he took the offending technology out of his ears.
Dwalin and Balin watched the siblings fight as they snacked on popcorn. Fíli and Kíli looked at them in a mixture of awe and fear. Bombur stress cooked. The rest ignored them
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XV
Chapter XV: In Which Burglary Should Be Left to Hobbits
A/N: Picture is of my fancast of Dwalin, Idris Elba.
“Don’t say it,” Thorin said.
“Say what, you majestic idiot?” Bramble said not-so-innocently.
“We need weapons and you will not know which to get,” Thorin said.
“Guns, swords, bows and arrows if possible, lots of ammunition. Big whoop,” Bramble said.
Thorin did roll his eyes at the comment. They all became quiet as a car drove by, its headlights barely missing the Dwarves. “Nori, Fíli, go!”
The thief and the princess ran to the edge of the sheriff’s department. They worked together to disarm the security system before Nori unlocked a window leading to a storage space.
Thorin, Bofur, Nori, Fíli, and Bramble shimmied their way through the window while the others kept watch. (Kíli tried to come as well, but Dís smacked him over the head.) Bramble was not as useless as Thorin im
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XIV
Chapter XIV: Does It Almost Feel Like You've Been Here Before?
A/N: The title of this chapter comes from the song “Pompeii” by Bastille. I consider it to be Fíli’s song. The picture is my fancast of Sigrid, a young Kristin Kreuk.
“What do you mean there’s no lake?” Thorin said.
“Laketown was built on a lake. I have seen nothing suggesting any sort of large body of water,” Bramble said.
The truck stopped. Bard opened the doors. She said to one of the men waiting at the docks, “You didn’t see them. They were never here. You can keep the manure.”
After two of the crates were moved, the Dwarves crawled out of the truck. Kíli was able to walk some if he leaned on his sister.
Thorin spoke with Bard. “What happened to Long Lake?”
“Huh. The Master was able to keep it a secret,” Bard said. She rubbed her eyes as she tried not to yawn. “The lake has been drying up. About sixty
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XIII
Chapter XIII: The Gunslinger
A/N: Picture is Lucy Liu as my fancast of Bard Bargeman.
Thorin kept a hand on Bramble’s back as they continued down the river. She had stopped vomiting, but she seemed on the cusp of going into shock. The poor Hobbit had already been weak from her time with the Elves, but the river nearly did her in.
“Anything behind us?” Thorin asked.
“Not that I can see,” Balin said.
“I think we’ve outrun the Orcs,” Bofur said.
“Not for long; we’ve lost the current,” Thorin said, “Make for the shore! Come on, let’s go!”
Bramble did not remember getting to shore, only that she was now on muddy ground. Thorin gave out orders. Nearby Kíli tried to bind his leg.
The Hobbit looked up and saw the blood seeping through the Dwarf’s trouser leg. “Kíli?”
“I’m fine, it’s nothing,” Kíli said.
“You are such an
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XII
Chapter XII: Barrels Down the Mississippi
A/N: The picture is my fancast of Nori, Karen Gillan.
Though they all looked like half-drowned rats, Nori thought the Hobbit looked three-quarters-drowned. The professor had been getting sick ever since they had been captured. Bramble was the only one to be wearing a skirt (which weighed her down more). Not to mention she was terrified of the water.
“Not natural. Traveling by water. Completely unnatural,” Bramble muttered as she clung to the edge of the barrel.
“How do you think Hobbits got to this continent?” Nori said.
“We were desperate. We were driven out. There is a reason none of us ever went back,” Bramble said.
“Hold on!” Thorin yelled.
Nori sighed as she braced herself. “Of course there would be a waterfaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!”
The current was swift, much to Thorin’s relief. They had almost reached the water gate which would free them when a siren
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter XI
Chapter XI: Operation Huckleberry
Thorin had been in prison for two weeks and Bramble still thought he smelled fantastic. The Hobbit felt the need to bang her head against the wall, but Thorin was asleep and she was definitely not going to wake him.
Bramble hated herself. Thorin was relying on her as a friend. Just because she was in love with him…
Bramble groaned. She had not realized until that moment she had moved past the, “I think you’re rather nice to look at” stage to the “I’m giving you my heart please don’t smash it” stage. It was utterly ridiculous. She could not even say what his favorite movie was and yet here Bramble was, thinking of different ways to ease the burden of the quest for her own completely selfish reasons.
Thorin sat up straight. “Burglar? Thought you said something.”
“I’m fine,” Bramble said.
“If you get caught again, don’t try to escape. Th
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter X
Chapter X: Hidden
Tauriel often went to the small storage room to think things over. It had not been a particularly bad day. Just… awkward. It had always been hard for Tauriel to make friends. She was not “eloquent in speech” as Legolas had put it years ago. Ever since her conversation with the king, it had become uncomfortable to be around Legolas. Their easy conversations and jokes fell away. At the same time, her conversations with a Dwarf she barely knew were… not always easy, but certainly enjoyable.
The captain sat down on a dusty crate and focused on breathing in and breathing out. She felt ridiculous. There were much more important things to think about such as where the spiders nested and…
Tauriel noticed a bundle of blankets crumpled up on the floor. It would have been odd on its own. The fact the blankets moved slightly without anything visibly underneath them was alarming.
The Elf pulled out her gun and aimed it at the blankets.
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter IX
Chapter IX: Hide and Seek
A/N:Fan cast of Bifur is Don Cheadle.
Tauriel did her rounds through the cells the night after the Dwarves arrived. The Woodland Realm rarely had long-term prisoners. Mostly it was drunk and disorderly Elves. The Dwarves had certainly shaken everyone’s routine.
Kíli threw a black stone in the air and caught it repeatedly. Tauriel found it odd. She had always been told Dwarves loved precious metals and gemstones, not a rock which could be found in a river.
“The stone in your hand, what is it?” Tauriel asked.
“It is a talisman. A powerful spell lies upon it. If any but a Dwarf reads the runes on this stone, they will be forever cursed,” Kíli said. He held up the stone, staring at Tauriel.
She stepped back slightly, unsure of how Dwarf magic worked.
“Or not, depending on whether you believe that kind of thing. It’s just a token.” The Dwarf smiled with kindness.
Tauriel smiled back. She did n
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter VIII
Chapter VIII: You Remind Me of the Dwarf
Thorin calculated if he could strangle King Thranduil with the Elven guards standing so close by in the throne room. The joy it would bring him was immeasurable. It would also probably lead to all of his Dwarves being executed. So, in the long run, it was a bad idea.
Not that Thorin did not think about all the different ways he could kill the Elf during the course of their conversation.
Thranduil walked around Thorin as he spoke. “Some may imagine that a noble quest is at hand: a quest to reclaim a homeland and slay a dragon. I myself suspect a more prosaic motive: attempted burglary, or something of that ilk.”
With graceful ease, Thranduil removed the map and key from Thorin’s jacket. The blond Elf king moved to remove the map from the plastic bag when Thorin snapped, “Don’t!”
Thranduil raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”
“You have to wear gloves,” Thorin said, “It
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter VII
Chapter VII: In Which the Writer's Arachnophobia Is In Overdrive
A/N: The part of Legolas "Moon Moon" Greenleaf is played by Orlando Bloom.
The Hobbit was bound in something both dry and sticky as she was dragged across a large tree branch. Opening her eyes, Bramble was at first confused by what seemed to be cobwebs in her eyes. She certainly was not a fly; she remembered that much. Bramble also remembered multiple limbs taking her.
A spider bigger than Dwalin pulled Bramble deeper into the forest and up into the moss covered trees. The spider stopped and turned around. It came closer and closer…
Bramble remembered the sword in her hand and swung it up, stabbing through the webbing and into the spider. She yanked back, splitting the spider’s guts. The Hobbit had enough movement to fling the spider off the branch and onto the watery floor of the swamp.
“Spiders! Why spiders? It even said it on the map! Of course it would be spiders,” Bramble squeal
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter VI
Chapter VI: Hell is Empty and All the Devils are Here
A/N: The picture is of Laurence Fishburne, my fan cast of Balin.
Thorin drove again, but Balin had requested he not be navigator for the next part of the drive. “There is so little rock,” Balin said, “I cannot feel the earth properly. And those swamps…”
Bramble took over. Her usual cheerfulness dampened after the mention of the Fell Winter. She did her job well, even if they did have to use the Elven Road. Thorin watched her out of the corner of his eye. She physically looked the worse for wear. Though he could not sense it himself, Gandalf had said the forest was poisoned. A Hobbit who was tied to growing things would feel it more strongly than those born of stone.
It was a strange highway. They crossed bridges which could barely fit the vans. Winding roads almost sent them into water filled ditches several times. Moss hung from the trees which would sometimes hang so low the trees would
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter V
Chapter V: Westward, Ho!
Beorn led the Company to the Alabama border, pulling off at an abandoned gas station. Everyone got out of the cars to say goodbye.
“Go now, while you have the light. Your hunters are not far behind,” Beorn said, “I will distract them if necessary.
Bramble hugged the skin-changer. “Goodbye, Beorn.”
“Good luck, Hobbit,” Beorn said, “Do not use the ring unless you must and destroy it when you can.”
“I will,” Bramble said.
After Beorn had left them, Gandalf motioned to the road. “Here lies our path through Mirkwood.”
Bramble shivered. She was not overly fond of Florida, but being away from the sea air made everything worse. “This forest feels... sick, as if a disease lies upon it.”
“It is not like the forests you are used to back home. Yes, you are right. It is sick. It was not always so and not everything is evil in these parts,” Gandalf said.
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter IV
Chapter IV: Not Even a Scratch
Beorn came in at breakfast the next day deeply amused. “Your story is true, Thorin Oakenshield.” Beorn kissed Dís’ hand. “Thank you, my lady, for slaying such a wretched beast.”
“You are more than welcome,” Dís said.
“Tell me, why is Azog the Defiler hunting you?” Beorn said, his mood darkening immediatly.
“You know of Azog? How?” Thorin said.
“My people were the first to live in the mountains, before the Orcs came down from the north. The Defiler killed most of my family, but some he enslaved,” Beorn said, “Not for work, you understand, but for sport. Caging skin-changers and torturing them seemed to amuse him.”
“There are others like you?” Fíli asked.
“Once, there were many,” Beorn said.
“And now?” Kíli said. Bramble kicked the Dwarf under the table.
“Now, there is only one,” Beorn s
If This Is to End in Fire Chapter II
Chapter II: Siblings
A/N: Picture is of my fancast of Dis, Jennifer Connelly.
Bramble’s eyelids felt unusually heavy. She was in a twin bed with cool sheets. A ceiling fan, a desk fan, and the air conditioning ran at the same time, but the air was still stuffy. As she opened her eyes, she found the room mostly dark, but she could see a figure sitting up in another bed and another figure sitting in a chair, slumped over slightly. She tried to raise her right arm but found a slight pull from what she vaguely remembered to be an IV.
“Bram… burglar, are you awake?” Thorin said from the other bed.
“Where am I?” Bramble said.
The figure in the seat sat up. “Bramble? Lass?” Bofur said.
“Hi, Bofur,” Bramble said.
“Thank the powers that be. I’ll tell Óin,” Bofur said, “Keep an eye on her and don’t be messing with your stitches, either of ya.” He ran out of the room.